Male Caregivers: How Family and Friends Can Help

In the July 2009 edition of Insight for Caregivers, we examined issues faced by men who serve as family caregiver for a parent, spouse or other loved one. This month, we offer suggestions for family and friends who would like to provide support.

Children, friends and loved ones of a man who is serving as caregiver often wonder what they can do to help. Here are some suggestions—and don't be afraid to ask the caregiver himself what you can do.

Encourage him to talk. So often people inquire about the condition of the person receiving care—but they forget to say "How are you doing?" to the caregiver himself. By being a good listener, you let him know that it's OK to express his feelings. Showing that you care about him is such an important way to provide support.

Ask for specific things you can do. Are there errands you can run? Can you offer respite on a regular basis? Could you provide transportation? Help out with household tasks? He may find it hard to ask for help—so sit down with him and work out a list. Or make a specific offer: "Dad, why don't you go play a round of golf tomorrow? I'll bring a movie that Mom likes and some takeout from her favorite Italian place." Get it on the calendar!

Reassure him that it is OK to seek help from outside sources. Research home care agencies. Visit adult day centers with him. It may work best to discuss this in terms of problem solving: "Paul, the adult day center near here has a great program for people with memory loss. Your mom would really benefit from that, and it would give you some free time three mornings a week."

Encourage him to take time for himself. He may have given up or cut back drastically on the activities he formerly enjoyed. Reassure him that taking care of himself is an important part of taking care of his loved one, and remind him that his own emotional well-being is enriched by spending time doing things he usually enjoys. Sometimes it helps to have someone "give us permission" to focus on our own needs!

Express your appreciation and affirm his individuality. Caregiving is a challenging task. Throw the spotlight on his efforts and acknowledge the important role he is serving—and don't forget to talk about the other parts of his life, too. He'll feel better about himself when you mirror to him that he is an individual with his own life.

For More Information

The MetLife Foundation's Sons at Work: Balancing Employment and Eldercare is a 10-page study, conducted by the National Alliance for Caregiving and The Center for Productive Aging at Towson State University, MD, which covers many of the key issues male caregivers face.